I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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