I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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