it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
