Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
