i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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