im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?