I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.