Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
