Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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