My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
