there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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