Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
