True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize