Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
