I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this boner is exhausting
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
