My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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