Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
