Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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