i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
