Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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