i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
