yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
