Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
