Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
