its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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