you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
