She went from zero to smokin in five shots
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Michael Bay diarrhea
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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