i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
