My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
