i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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