I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
