Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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