I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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