so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
