it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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