Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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