During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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