it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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