seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
