I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
