Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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