Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
