did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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