I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
