I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
be right there i have to get my cape
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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