giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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