I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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