Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
