why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
