At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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