I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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