Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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