In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The best revenge is premature balding
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He shit in the fireplace
If you break up with me one more time it's over.