Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.