i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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