More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
