I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
