FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
