They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
